


When the Doctor Went Quiet

by whateverhappens



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Romance, thasmin, the doctor does pinky promises and it's cute af, the new years kiss we deserve, thirteen x yasmin, wlw, yaz uses her police training to support the doctor and she's an angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-14 19:25:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17514506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whateverhappens/pseuds/whateverhappens
Summary: "I can’t put it out of my mind for more than a few minutes and you’re...” A breath of hesitation hung in the air before Yaz gathered the courage to ask, “How many bodies do you have to see before you can skip around them like it’s just another day?"Yaz confronts the Doctor about her history with the Daleks and the two sort through their unspoken feelings as they celebrate their twentieth New Year's Eve on Quantifer. Set directly after Resolution.





	1. A Proper Break

“Alright, fam!” The Doctor crashed her hands together, whirling around the console as the TARDIS wheezed and dematerialized. “Before we go _everywhere_ , we could always give that twentieth New Year’s Eve another try, if you’re up for it.”

“Your call, Doc,” Graham shrugged. The Doctor scrunched her face, weighing the options aloud as she piloted the ship.

“Hmm… Well, nineteen’s fairly solid. Centered triangular and hexagonal number, atomic number for potassium… Oh, I used to _love_ bananas a few regenerations back! You should’ve seen my ears then.” She paused abruptly, giving a slight tug at her ear and shifting awkwardly in place. Her frenzy dwindled to a vague jitter, a switch that went unnoticed by everyone but Yaz. “Actually, something about odd numbers makes me a bit queasy this time ‘round. Twenty would probably be best. What d’ya say?”

Ryan nodded, glancing to the others, “Don’t see why not?”

“Still want to go to that place with the balloons?” Yaz asked.

“Quantifer, yes! Good memory, Yaz!” The Doctor resumed to adjusting dials and punching data into the navigation system. “Shouldn’t take us too long to get there, just need to make sure I get the coordinates right. The universe can be tricky near its edge.”

“Ah, well that’s certainly a relief to hear,” Graham observed with routine sarcasm.

“Oh hush, this’ll be a proper break! S’been a long day, think we could all do with a bit of cheering up.” The Doctor finalized the settings and instructed her friends, “Grab a hold, gang!”

The three instinctively grasped for the surface nearest to them on the console, doing their best to anchor themselves as the TARDIS hurled through the vortex. After a few minutes of being thrashed about, the ship settled back into a steady whir and the team released the metal from their clenches. Some flights through the vortex were more turbulent than others and how the Doctor managed to pilot through the chaos was beyond them.

“Here we are!” The Doctor bolted toward the entrance and proudly flung the doors open. “Welcome to the edge of the known universe!” She stood with her back to the view, hands resting smugly on her hips. Her brow wrinkled when she was met with an uncomfortable silence. “You really should work on seeming more convincing. You don’t look even a little excited.”

There was a short pause before Ryan pointed out, “There’s… nothing…?”

“Yeah, it looks like an empty field or something,” Yaz added. 

“What!?” She whipped around, frantically peeked her head out of the box, and groaned, “Ugh, sorry. We’ve strayed from our route a bit…” She fumbled in her pocket for a moment and craned her arm out. The three looked on as the distinct hum of her sonic filled the air and she analyzed the readings, “Right, landed on the outskirts of the village instead. Still quite close! Just a few blocks from where we should be.” 

“Definitely getting our steps in today, then,” Ryan joked, giving Yaz friendly nudge. Her eyes remained fixed on the Doctor as she returned a vacant smile. He paid no mind to this, considering how often he’d caught her preoccupied by the Doctor's presence. 

They shuffled out of the ship and felt the crunch of what appeared to be snow beneath their feet. As they walked, the Doctor noticed them studying the ground and chimed in, “Not actual snow, by the way. You’ll learn pretty quickly with me that it’s hardly ever actual snow.”

“So… what is it?” Ryan gave a puzzled look.

She shook her head urgently, “Best not to ask.”

“Well, why even tell us, then?” Graham huffed, his tone falling somewhere between concern and offense. The Doctor seemed to have already abandoned the conversation and was bounding ahead of them as they reached the village, Yaz trailing closely in the wake of her strides. They ambled through the crowded streets until they finally arrived at a square with a bustling outdoor festival that had been the Doctor’s intended destination.

None of them could pin down exactly why, but the celebration had an energy to it, as if it were an actual, breathing entity. Unearthly music pulsed through the ground and reverberated in their bones. Lights of every possible color bounced off the tin roofs of the market stands and flooded their vision. A unique amalgam of beings they could never have fathomed hurried past them, constantly flowing through what little open space was left in the square. 

“Brilliant, right? It’s like this every single day,” the Doctor remarked as she spun around to face them, “Where should we start?” 

“Dunno about everyone else, but I’m overdue for a meal,” Graham stated as he lifted his arms to expose trembling hands, “Forgot to pack something.”

“Yeah, we definitely need to get some food in ya,” Ryan agreed, supporting Graham’s shoulder and turning to the women, “You guys coming?”

“I’m not very hungry, actually,” Yaz said flatly. The Doctor noted how her spirit had seemed muted since they arrived and she’d hoped seeing the festival would rekindle her usual spark. Normally, Yaz would’ve been the first one out the doors, eagerly greeting whatever magnificent wonder awaited her, but not tonight. Rather, she lingered at a close yet respectable distance from the Doctor, as if she feared straying too far and losing sight of her.

“Think maybe we’ll go for a stroll instead,” the Doctor suggested, alternating glances between the three of them, “Here, take these and ask someone how to use ‘em when it’s time. It’s a friendly lot here, they’re accustomed to visitors.” She handed them deflated, transparent balloons with a peculiar string like none they’d ever seen attached to them. “We’ll give you a ring once we’re back?”

Ryan and Graham nodded, exchanging knowing looks with each other as they turned away and dissolved into the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Resolution fell short for me in a few different areas, so this is my _attempt_ at making up for it.


	2. Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some vague references to violence and basically consists of the Doctor navigating the effects of trauma. If that's something that doesn't sit well with you, rest assured that the following chapters will be lighter (and gayer).
> 
> _____
> 
> EDIT: I rewatched Resolution after only having seen it once and realized that the conversation in this chapter didn't really align with the events of the episode, so I've tweaked it to make it more accurate. Oops.

Neither of them spoke as they meandered away from the cacophony of the festival, content to be in the uninterrupted company of one another. They wandered the opposite way of the TARDIS and along the edge of densely wooded, shimmering hills. After a bit of walking, they stumbled upon a seasoned path that cut through the trees. The Doctor turned to read Yaz, who simply shrugged and began following it. She trailed closely behind, relieved to see her pursue at least some shred of adventure.

The buzz of the celebration faded as they drifted further into foliage. They were finally walking parallel again, with arms occasionally swaying against each other. Their pace remained slow and steady, affording them enough time to take in the surroundings. Had it been any other night, Yaz would have asked why specks of light were glowing in the leaves. Instead, the Doctor found her absentmindedly fidgeting with the zipper on the sleeve of her leather jacket.

“Is something wrong?” The Doctor asked cautiously, “You seem a bit out of sorts tonight.” 

“We killed something today…” Yaz murmured, “We’ve never done that before…”

“Something that would’ve killed everyone if we hadn’t,” she corrected quickly, her words a bit too calloused for Yaz’s liking.

“We’ve seen loads of things that kill people, though.” 

“This one was different.”

“Yeah, you’ve made that pretty clear,” she said pointedly, “I don’t understand _why_ , though. Just weeks ago you were ready to toss Graham out for wanting to do the same.”

“It was personal, Yaz,” she said firmly, “I need that to be enough for you.”

“Like it wasn’t personal for Graham? That’s hardly enough.” They continued walking, albeit much slower than at the start of their conversation. She waited for a response, brow furrowed and fiercely studying the Doctor’s eyes as they evaded her. “I can’t put it out of my mind for more than a few minutes and you’re...” A breath of hesitation hung in the air before Yaz gathered the courage to ask, “How many bodies do you have to see before you can skip around them like it’s just another day?”

The Doctor winced as the question shot through her chest, knocking the wind out of her and causing them both to stop in their tracks. Without answering, she clenched her jaw and diverted her eyes to the ground. 

“Doctor, _please!_ I need you to talk to me… I helped _kill_ something under _your_ orders and I’ve a right to know why.” The desperation in her tone reminded the Doctor that she was standing next to Yasmin Khan, a radiant soul who was always unbelievably candid and steadfast and succinct in every possible way. She knew she’d deflected most of her questions up to this point with vague comments and a veil of silence that must’ve been excruciating for her, and it was for this reason only that she found herself able to muster a response. 

“I’ve lived a long time, Yaz. I’ve seen and done so much... _Too much_...” she confessed with a tremor, “I’m not proud of it.” The agony staining her voice put Yaz in check. She could see the strain of every tensed muscle in her body and feel the weight of the question suffocating her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean– I know you wouldn’t if you had a choice,” she said gently, stepping closer and reluctantly resting her hand on the Doctor’s back, “This okay?” 

The Doctor bowed her head in approval and Yaz softly stroked between her shoulders as she continued, “You’re one of the good ones, you know. It’s just… Some days I’ll feel like I’ve got you figured out and suddenly you’re a stranger again...”

“I know the feeling,” she replied in a hollow tone.

For a moment, Yaz speculated what she’d done to make her feel the same but when the issue wasn’t pressed, she realized what she’d meant. 

“Reckon you’re still figuring yourself out, too?”

“Mhmm. We all are. Just means something a bit different for me.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Yaz said, shaking her head.

“You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but it’s the strangest thing. Every time I think I finally understand who I am, I end up losing sight of it. Of me. I’ll know where I’m headed and then... I’ll dart off in the complete opposite direction. There’s a sort of switch somewhere inside me and every time I change, I have to find it again. Except, I can’t know where it is ‘til it’s already been flipped. Meanwhile, I just surprise myself. And scare myself. Constantly.”

“It’s okay that you don’t know,” Yaz assured, “You won’t be by yourself when you find it. I’m here. Ryan and Graham are here. We can help.”

“I don’t want to find it, though. I don’t want it there at all. Everything that built it... I– I just want it gone.”

“I'm not sure that we can make it go away, but we can learn what to do with it. How to keep it from flipping or how to flip it back.” 

“I won’t learn. I never do,” the Doctor said firmly, “I’m breathing paradox, Yaz. I forbid you from killing and then I turn around and ask you to do just that. I say no weapons and then I strap a grenade to an entire planet as if I'm back–” Her voice trailed off with a quiver, leaving Yaz suspended in the implications.

“Doctor…” Yaz scrambled for a response but felt powerless against the centuries of suffering being revealed. Something in the Doctor’s eyes had changed. They were a glaring contradiction, brimming with torment yet somehow unbearably empty. 

“You only know me as I am right now, but there were others before me. I’m plagued by so much blood that I can’t even tell which is my own and which I’ve spilled at the expense of another. Have you any idea what it’s like to face a version of yourself you’re not proud of having been?”

She was rigid. Numb. Deafeningly still. As though she’d been restored to her factory settings, any semblance of warmth having been erased. Yaz looked on helplessly as tears blurred the corners of her vision. Stood beside her was the Doctor in the most raw and vulnerable state she had ever seen, yet _she_ was the one crying. Crying for this mad, unbelievable woman who dove into frigid lakes and surrendered herself to sentient universes just to spare a single life. Though she was certain the Doctor’s intentions had always been rooted in good, she was no stranger to the pits of loathing that so often forged light.

“It’s certainly not the same but… There’s been loads of times I wasn’t proud of who I was. That year I was bullied? People would hurt me and I’d– Well... I’d hurt them back... I hated myself for it ‘cause I thought it meant I was no better. That’s why I became an officer, so I could stop the hurt from ever happening in the first place. Or at least before it made someone else throw the next punch.”

She tentatively pulled her closer, pausing to give her the opportunity to pull away. The Doctor quietly welcomed it, leaning in while keeping her eyes locked on the ground. Yaz craned her neck forward to make her face visible, though the Doctor avoided making any contact with her gaze.

“What I mean to say is,” she continued, “I _don’t_ know what you’ve been through, so I don’t get to judge how you survived. Who you are now and who you choose to be is what matters to me, Doctor. We’re all capable of the most incredible change, right?”

“Oi, you know I don’t like being quoted,” she gave Yaz a slight nudge, “That memory of yours really is remarkable, though.”

Yaz felt the Doctor’s body begin to relax against her. She was relieved to hear her usual warmth slowly trickling back to life. Though so many questions remained unanswered, she didn’t want to compromise the respite she’d worried might never come.

“I suppose the Daleks are off limits?” She asked.

The Doctor pursed her lips and let out a strained sigh. “It’s a very long and very complicated story. Painful and personal,” she met Yaz with pleading eyes, “And one I’d _really_ rather not tell right this minute.”

Yaz nodded tenderly, understanding the gravity of her request. “Another time, then.”

The Doctor gave a timid smile and offered her hand with her pinky sticking out. Yaz scrunched her brow and smirked at the proposal. 

“Are you doing a pinky promise... For this?”

“That’s what you humans do, innit? Thought this was the right time for it... Sorry, am I being weird again?” She asked casually, shaking her hand away and rubbing it against her coat.

“No,” Yaz chuckled and reached to pull it back, “You’ve just never done that before. Wasn’t expecting it, is all.”

“Me neither. I reckon it’s something I do ‘cause I mean it. Don’t want you feeling like you can’t trust me.”

Yaz hooked her pinky with the Doctor’s, all sense of time and space dissipating at the touch. 

“Of course I trust you. I just want to know you, too. Every volume. Every version.” 

The Doctor swallowed hard before replying, “They’re quite different from who I am now, some more than others. Very possible you’ll see another me one day, actually. I do have a habit of turning up at times I’m not supposed to…” After meeting Yaz’s gaze, the Doctor realized she was babbling and took a deep breath, “Just be certain you want to know, ‘cause I won’t blame you for not sticking around after.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Doctor,” she vowed, repositioning her fingers so all of them were entwined, “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.”

“Someday soon, then,” the Doctor promised, “Let’s just keep walking for now, yeah?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. Can you believe this fic started out as fluff? Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Thanks for sticking around if you've read this far!


	3. The Loudest Thing

As they walked, the Doctor retreated back into a thoughtful silence, emerging every so often to make observations about the biological intricacies of the vegetation. Most of her comments passed by completely lost on Yaz, so she simply hummed in response and folded her lips into a warm smile, relieved to hear the Doctor’s usual chatter slowly returning.

They continued up the hill, hands still locked together and arms swinging in harmony with each step. Though it felt wonderfully natural, they had never held hands just for the sake of remaining close or feeling the other’s presence at their fingertips. Yaz scanned her memories for the last time she’d done anything even remotely similar. Perhaps with Danny Biswas in year 10? It hadn’t been _that_ long, had it? 

She found herself extremely grateful for having broken things off after his constant griping that she never made time for him, often guilting her into sneaking out instead of focusing her energy on building her future. The Doctor—on the other hand—made a conscious effort to ensure that she had time away from the TARDIS to devote to work and spending time with family, even if Yaz didn’t always enjoy either. She said it was easy to lose sight of where you’re from and where you’re headed when traveling and Yaz was beginning to understand why.

Holding the Doctor’s hand certainly felt different from holding Danny’s, but it was also remarkably familiar. It sparked the same cluster of nerves and bliss and sent it pulsing under her skin, just as Yaz knew it would. She’d caught glimpses of it throughout her life, but never acknowledged it outside of her own mind. That year with Izzy Flint had been enough to quiet any unspoken parts of herself out of fear of more torment pursuing her, so she did her best to disguise any indication that she might be different. 

For so long, she deliberately muted the way her breath hitched each time she was seated next to Zoe King in class or the somersaults her stomach did when she passed stunning girls in her favorite shops, each of them always seeming to lock eyes with her and almost nod as if they already knew. It was the same intense, knowing look she could have sworn the Doctor gave her when she started calling her Yaz the night they met.

The Doctor.

Woven between her fingers was the Doctor.

The ridiculous, magnificent woman who had quite literally fallen from the sky and into her life.

No. Surely not. She used to hold hands with her mates all the time, whether she was walking a stumbling friend home from a pub, or they were belting out their favorites at karaoke, even sometimes when they were just laughing at a film on a quiet night in. But what she and the Doctor were doing wasn’t akin to any of that, though. They were wandering through a glistening forest on the edge of the universe with no particular destination in mind… 

Or perhaps this was the traveler’s version of a quiet night in. The Doctor had seen more than Yaz could ever understand and was just now surfacing from a very vulnerable place. She simply needed support and Yaz had simply given it to her because they were definitely friends and that is what good friends do, after all. 

_“I’m calling you Yaz, ‘cause we’re friends now.”_

Friends. Exactly.

She cared too deeply for her to compromise what they had built together. Everything aside, with all of time and space at her disposal, it seemed close to impossible that this experience was anything more than a casual stroll on a foreign planet in the eyes of the Doctor. 

Completely unbeknownst to Yaz, the Doctor also found herself deconstructing the current situation in between her comments. It had been a long time since she’d held someone’s hand for any other reason than running toward a problem or fleeing to safety. Though she couldn’t deny how lovely it felt to have Yaz’s hand laced with hers, she was also struggling to subdue the warring feelings in her mind. 

Travelling alone never suited her well. If she managed to stray from herself with others around, it was only amplified by solitude. But traveling with company also came with a grave risk, a grisly truth her new friends had unfortunately learned all too soon. Grace wasn’t just another name on the list of living things she had failed to protect, she was a person. A tender force of nature; fragile and resilient and human in the most beautiful ways possible. And—like everything in the universe will one day end up being—she was gone. A grim reminder of how ephemeral moments like the present were in the vast timeline of the Doctor’s own existence.

At this point, she was rather acquainted with loss, a personalized memento mori she carried around with her like a family photo tucked away in a wallet. Every time she welcomed someone in, she already knew the cost and nothing could ever prepare her for paying when the time came. Her own happiness often felt like currency she traded away for short-lived company. It was the epitome of selfish, considering the damage it wreaked on everyone involved.

In recent years, there was only one person who walked away unscathed. Even at that, she had still failed to be what was needed of her; crippled by loss and unable fully acknowledge the clever person devoting her time to travelling with her. Martha was right to leave and all the better for it. 

Perhaps Yaz would be, too. 

The thought of her choosing to leave was almost as unbearable as the thought of losing her if she stayed. Meeting Yaz after regenerating had been one of the most strange and serendipitous encounters she’d ever experienced. Nothing about it had been within the realm of her expectations, but the uncertainty proved to be more extraordinary with each passing minute. Often, it felt as though Yaz knew the words on her mind before they ever left her mouth.

There was a magnitude in their contact that she had never known before. It was possible this was due to her shift in identity or that she’d gathered this might also be uncharted territory for Yaz. Maybe even a mixture of the two. But knowing Yaz felt important. Being with her felt critical. A revolutionary act in and of itself; like quietly holding her hand was the loudest thing she might ever do.

_“I want more. More of the universe. More time with you.”_

The Doctor so desperately wanted more time with Yaz than she knew she was bound to receive. She wanted to show her every wonder she’d ever seen and discover new marvels together. Yaz deserved to know the universe and the universe deserved to know her.

Yasmin Khan. 

_Yaz to her friends._

Brilliant, dazzling, capable Yaz.

“NO WAY!” 

An eager voice tore her from her thoughts and the Doctor felt a sharp tug at her arm as she was urgently dragged uphill. Reflexively, she searched for any signs of danger until she realized they were running toward a break in the trees. Fingers still threaded, they reached the end of the trail and gasped in unison. 

The Doctor couldn’t help but flash the purest grin Yaz had ever seen.

“Oh, that's ace!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part kind of got away from me so I decided to make the work four chapters instead. Sorry that this was mostly narration and setup, but I promise there's some good, gay stuff on its way. Thanks for reading!


	4. Together

The path had guided them to a breathtaking overlook at the edge of the hill. Stretched out before them was the little settlement in its entirety, the chromatic lights of the square winking up at them and casting a vivid sheen on the already sparkling trees. It was a captivating sight neither Yaz nor the Doctor had anticipated, yet they both knew it was precisely what they needed to see after such a harrowing and weary start to the year.

“It doesn’t even look real,” Yaz uttered in disbelief. The Doctor agreed with a deep breath, her eyes bright and mesmerized by the landscape. A corner of Yaz’s lips curled into a smile as she slanted herself against the Doctor and echoed her sigh. They stood together for quite some time, quietly surveying the scenery as their grasp on each other grew stronger. Eventually, Yaz interrupted with a question she hadn’t been able to shake since just before the distress call earlier in the day.

“Wait, what’s the deal with the balloons here?” 

“Ah, the balloons! Almost forgot! Have I mentioned how much I love that brain of yours yet?” The Doctor abruptly broke their contact to rummage through her unreasonably cluttered pockets. She pulled out the two remaining balloons, accidentally surfacing an allen wrench and some sort of map Yaz couldn’t quite discern along with them. After catching sight of Yaz’s curiosity, she waved the tool around and explained, “Always try to keep one of these at the ready, seeing as my sonic can be a bit finicky with wood.”

“Where’s the map of?”

“Oh, this?” She held it up, crinkling her nose at it before stuffing everything back into her pocket, “Akron, Ohio! Picked it up at a rest stop a while back. Used to be the Rubber Capital of the World! Declined ‘round the same time as Sheffield’s steel industry, actually. Thought maybe we could go one of these days and do… well– whatever it is they do in Ohio!”

An amused shake of her head was all Yaz could manage in response. Her mind had veered off, reliving the moment two hand-drawn, plastic keychains had fallen out of the mess in her pockets and into a puddle a few days back. When Yaz picked up the scribbled rainbow and robot, an odd tinge of concern colored the Doctor’s face and she urgently dried them off before tucking them away. She learned that she had purchased them from a makeshift stand a little girl had set up near Graham and Ryan’s place. The girl reminded her of someone brilliant, apparently, though she never revealed who. Yaz was certain the keychains were still bouncing around somewhere, unless they had unwittingly flown out again without her realizing.

The Doctor’s outstretched hand broke her trance and she quickly took the balloon. “What are we supposed to do with ‘em?”

“See the end of this string?” The Doctor explained eagerly as she unravelled it, “It’s this fascinating piece of tech that functions as a sort of telepathic translator. You hold your thumb on it so it can read your pulse—or _pulses,_ in my case—and get a glimpse of whatever’s hampering you in the moment.” 

“What happens after that?” Yaz asked, intently examining the string. She lightly scraped her finger over the dark, stonelike oval attached to the end and was somewhat startled when it lit up and began softly pulsing. 

The Doctor flashed another uninhibited grin and bounced impatiently as she answered. “That’s what you’re about to find out! I know we should wait for the rest of the festival but I _reeeeeally_ don’t want to,” she whined. “We’ll do it together, yeah?” 

“Together,” Yaz affirmed, “On three?”

“Um, maybe two, if that’s alright? Still not keen on odd numbers for some reason...”

“Oh, yeah! Of course. Together on two, then.” 

The Doctor returned an affectionate look of gratitude and readied herself for the abbreviated countdown. Yaz mirrored her stance and waited for a nod of confirmation. Upon locking eyes, she began, “Okay, ready… One... _TWO!_ ”

The pulsing ovals mimicked their heartbeats until they detached and sent the inflating balloons soaring upward. Frenzied sparks shot out of the strings at every angle as they rapidly grew shorter. Yaz followed her balloon up just in time to see it ignite into a blazing fire. Magenta edges melded into the blue core, creating a fervid lavender at the juncture. The flames collided with the invisible walls; a fierce complexity illuminated with potential and begging to burn somewhere beyond its limits.

Next to the fire appeared to be a frozen orb rising above the Doctor. The edge beside the flames melted until the space was filled with a deep, swirling ocean. Each fluid movement twinkled in the glow of the leaves as if it were littered with stars; a cosmic ebb and flow that threatened to swallow everything were it not contained by its shell. 

Though Yaz had gathered what was about to take place, nothing could’ve prepared her for the forceful explosion that boomed through her chest. She jolted, making sure to keep her view locked on the sky, refusing to miss a single moment. Despite her knowledge that there was no impending danger, the Doctor pulled her into a protective embrace nonetheless.

Overhead, the atmosphere transformed into a kaleidoscope saturated with every color imaginable. The burst was so sudden that neither of them were able to distinguish which of the hues could be traced back to which balloon. They watched in awe as the pigments blended to create a brilliant flare that devoured the sky. Even as the radiance sizzled out and the surrounding air settled, the Doctor’s arm remained wrapped around Yaz, both of them still intoxicated by the thrill of the sight.

“Changed my mind, this New Year’s is definitely my favorite,” Yaz declared, contently resting her head on the Doctor’s shoulder, “Shame it has to end.”

The Doctor sank back into a dismal tone, failing to mask her dread, “Everything has to end, Yaz.”

At her words, Yaz lifted her head and carefully studied the distant eyes fixed on something she couldn’t quite see. Though she never spoke of it in great detail, Yaz was privy to the fact that they were not the first to travel with her and likely wouldn’t be the last. In the few months she’d spent in the TARDIS, it had become increasingly clear that the Doctor was no exception to the incessant waves of time that eroded everything once held so dear.

Mired in her grief, the Doctor mused aloud, “What d'you reckon Graham would’ve done if he’d known he and Grace would only get three years?”

“I think...” Yaz paused to consider the weight of the question, “I think—if he’d known the privilege of loving her ahead of time—he wouldn’t have wanted to miss a single day of it. No matter how many they got.”

“It’s certainly a nice thought,” she murmured, “Suppose he didn’t, though.”

“Well that’s just it, innit? He’d never get to know the privilege of loving her. And Grace would’ve died alone, not knowing someone could’ve been holding her hand. And Ryan would’ve been alone at her funeral. And no one would’ve been around to shut the door in Aaron’s face when he turned up…

Yaz leaned in closer.

“ _Aaand_... he’d never have gotten that coveted fist bump.”

A crooked smile grew on the Doctor’s face and the two chuckled under their breath before she continued, “The point is, I could go on forever about all the amazing things that came from Graham and Grace loving each other as they did. I don’t know that everything happens for a reason, but I think we can always find reason in what does. And I think, sometimes, sticking around for whatever happens is reason enough.”

“Yasmin Khan,” she beamed, unbridled affection written into every line of her face, “You truly are something else.”

Against her better judgement, Yaz surrendered to her nagging thoughts, “Can I be honest with you, Doctor...?” 

“Well, I’d sure hope so,” the Doctor quipped as she stepped back to face her. She was met with an unmistakable sincerity Yaz’s stance, her gaze full of reluctant intent.

“There’s something I wanted to do at the nineteen other New Year’s but wasn’t sure if I should...” There was a longing in her eyes as they flickered to the Doctor’s lips, a familiar tick that never failed to leave her breathless. Yaz took a cautious step forward and half-expected her to back away. Her heart fluttered wildly when the traveler remained in place.

The Doctor wasn’t done mourning, but knowing the rhythm of her existence, it was likely she never would be. There would always be a relentless sorrow to run from. But at the present, there was something spectacular in front of her to run toward—if only for a fleeting moment in time. She reached a hand to cradle Yaz’s face and spoke in a silken voice. 

“Good thing we rounded it out to twenty, then–”

Yaz punctuated her words by capturing her lips as if she couldn’t bear to spend another second dimming who she was or her admiration for the woman who—much to her relief—abandoned any trace of hesitance at the contact. They moved with a gentle urgency, redeeming the time they had already lost and the future they knowingly had yet to lose. All lingering uncertainty was forgotten as they discovered how electric every inch of skin felt beneath the other’s touch.

When they broke away, the Doctor melted into Yaz, burying her nose in the crook of her neck and blanketing her in loving arms. Yaz ran soft fingers through her dishevelled hair and sucked in a deep breath, delighted to find that she smelled of all the comfort of fresh laundry and tea on a gloomy day. 

“Yeah, must’ve been a good reason for it,” she whispered, her words a zephyr against the Doctor’s cheek. 

A few moments passed before the Doctor leaned back to place one last, unreserved kiss on the lips that had captivated her for months. Over 2,000 years of time and space and her hearts still managed to dance at the new taste: sweet as honey and promising like the first specks of sunlight spilling into a room after a long rest.

Simply holding each other after months of ambiguity felt like a well overdue sigh of relief. Weeks upon weeks of restively interpreting each agonizing detail in their exchanges only to find that they’d been speaking in the same tongue all along. They remained tangled together, enthralled by enough bliss to keep them in place until every last star in the sky had burnt out. 

It wasn’t until magnified flashes began erupting from the square that they were pulled from each other’s gravity. Yet, the Doctor couldn’t help but notice how effortlessly Yaz’s skin bathed in the vibrant and ethereal glow. Her captured eyes looked as though they’d always been destined to meet these bursting lights on Quantifer. Each elated gasp that slipped past her lips was a looping song the Doctor never grew tired of hearing. Every moment she watched Yaz marvel in a fresh discovery was an honor, but there was a distinct pleasure in being able to share the buzz of a new encounter alongside her.

She drew Yaz close and turned her gaze to the sea of radiance emanating from the festival. Content to be nestled in the safe embrace, Yaz glanced up to see flickers of soft light dancing across the Doctor’s face.

What a privilege it was to witness how she soaked in the universe. How her hungry eyes consumed every sight. How her empty mouth hung agape and restless hands fell still at her sides, unsure of what to do with the rush of tangible wonders. Though Yaz adored the Doctor’s boundless energy, it was the flashes of paralyzing awe she cherished the most. Hushed moments that echoed through the each drum of her hearts long after they’d passed. The Doctor going quiet was often a screeching omen, but it was also capable of being the most soothing melody Yaz had ever heard.

They stood silhouetted against the village, abundantly grateful for the jumbled passage of time that led them there. For Yaz being sent to investigate that train as Doctor fell to Earth. For the miscalculation that sucked them into the vacuum of space and the first hopeful wheezes of the Ghost Monument as it rescued them. For the trail of artron energy that led them to Montgomery instead of Sheffield and the strands of Rosa’s courage that had been eternally stitched into their stories. For every time Yaz insisted on staying and every time the Doctor swallowed the sting of inescapable loss and allowed herself to accept it.

An entire universe of infinite possibilities laid out before them, yet they found themselves standing on the edge of it, basking in the warmth of the only reality that seemed to make sense.

One where the two of them existed. 

Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, this took me FOREVER to write even though I've had over half of the chapter written for weeks now. It's such a relief to finally have it done.
> 
> A little fun fact: The whole allen wrench bit was a self-indulgent nod to the time Rhea Butcher told a joke about them at their comedy show and I happened to have one in my pocket (because I'm a walking stereotype). And shout out to my friend for coming up with the idea of the Doctor carrying around a map of Akron (also a nod to Rhea).
> 
> Anyway, I have some other stories floating around in my brain that I'd like to write whenever time allows, which unfortunately might not be anytime soon. Lots of crazy (but good) stuff happening in my life right now. Until then, thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed!


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